Have you been affected by someone else’s addiction, and thought, to yourself, they are the one with the problem, not me? Growing up in a dysfunctional family is a crazy thing. Addiction affects everyone around it, not only the addict. Battling addiction may seem like a personal experience, and for the addict it is, but ultimately it is the exposure to the physical and emotional behaviors an addict endures that affects the rest of the family. Early exposure is even more detrimental to young children because they are more likely to become susceptible to substance abuse or personal struggles. No one escapes unharmed. You do not know how hard of a grasp the influence has on you until you struggle or call yourself out on your own shit and even then, sometimes people go a lifetime without the awareness that the damage even exists. The effects of living with an addict involves both negative and positive characteristic traits, which are formed, based on the three rules that are taught within the household: Do not talk, do not trust, do not feel. The characteristic traits create roles by adopting certain behavior styles to protect one’s self from the instabilities that arise in the household. The roles that family members unknowingly create for themselves are the hero, scapegoat, the lost child, and the mascot. I never realized that this life-long struggle from someone else's disease would follow me into adulthood, but it has and in order for me to cope, I took on the roles of the hero and lost child.
The hero child sounds like a role where the child leaves the family unscathed, but in reality, it creates many issues. The hero child is a role that I owned deeply when I was little. I wanted so badly to have a calm, stable environment, and I tried to stop every negative incident. As a child, I matched the attitudes and emotions of the people around me, which formed flexibility. If my parents were yelling, I would feel angry. If my mom was crying, I would cry. If my parents were happy, everyone was happy. Flexibility also allowed me to prepare myself as I predicted the type of behavior that lie in wait when I got home. The responsible instinct in me set high expectations, which turned into inflexibility and control, as I got older. I am the only one I can count on. I protected myself by controlling my thoughts and voice. I became a people-pleaser and silenced my own opinions or thoughts to decrease stress and try to hold everyone together. I continue to struggle with some intense emotions. Control has been the survival trait that has kept me safe inside my dysfunctional mind. It is hard for me if things do not go my way or if they go out of order. I need to have structure. I love knowing what to expect ahead of time. I tend to have unreasonable expectations, take life seriously and experience guilt often. In addition, and as a result, I speak in a shitty tone of voice towards my family members, my patience is usually at zero and I have a negative attitude overall. Regardless of the negative traits, I do possess positive ones. Some of the strongest traits of the hero child have come from positive characteristics such as being strictly responsible, dependable, hard worker, achiever, focused, loyal, and organized. As the first-born, I was meant to be the responsible one. I took care of my siblings and parents even if I did not agree with the outcome. Being loyal and responsible is very important to me. Although I have never been comfortable with the behavior in my family, I love my family so loyalty has been strong from the very beginning. Living with an addict has made me become aware of my surroundings and has strengthened my ability to prepare myself for danger before it even begins as well as created healthy boundaries. From the opposite side of the spectrum, I also share some traits that would suggest that I am a lost child as well.
As a teenager, I would lock myself in my room, plug in my headphones and turn up the volume to my music when my parents would argue. The lost child is a role usually taken by the third child born in the family. I assumed the role as the first-born, but not until my teenage years. After failed attempts, I no longer picked sides nor did I involve myself in a face-to-face battle with someone who had been drinking. The lost child is usually the third child because they have seen the other siblings’ experiences and want nothing to do with the dysfunction, so they try to be invisible. Without knowing it, I treated my room as a boundary that kept me safe. Hiding from the chaos, conflict and stress helped me escape from feeling the roller coaster of emotions. Something inside of me screamed uncomfortably from the time I was little. I felt that I did not belong in my family. I hated conflict with every inch of my body. Unlike my siblings, I was the one who feared of causing problems in my family. I was afraid of sticking up for myself or other family members. I was never a rebel but I was withdrawn, depressed and had low self-esteem. I did not make friends easily, I was judgmental of myself and others, and very reserved. Although I have negative characteristics that scream the lost child role, I also possess some positive traits. Some of these traits include works independently, good listener, creative, resourceful, and imaginative. The lost child role has affected me in ways that has made me want to hide and be alone. It makes me want to run from my problems, but with characteristics from the hero child that still live within me, I am not able to do that. The hero role pulls me out of the dark and makes me fight for what is right.
The type of person I have become after occupying the role of the hero and lost child has affected me in both negative and positive ways. I have struggled the past 20 years trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I saw counselor after counselor. I took different antidepressants. Nothing seemed to give me answers until I saw the right counselor who showed me that my upbringing influenced my behavior, emotions, and actions. It opened a door that has shined light on why I am, the way I am today. The light opened my eyes to my families’ history and I can see a pattern of dysfunction. Now that I have found answers, I realize I have always had the key to unlock my so-thought unchangeable behaviors. It is a choice that I can control in a healthy way. With choices, we find out what we like and dislike. Additionally, letting go helps create stronger boundaries so we can stay strong and focus on ourselves. I am currently working on changing the ways I respond to things. I am constantly reminding myself to think before I speak or act. Sometimes I remind myself that I am allowed to take a breath or two before I respond. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone and changing unwanted behavior is possible. I am also working on giving up control and learning not to take myself seriously. I am responsible for my own needs being met and not anyone else’s. Practicing self-care and self-love will help me heal. It will help me better myself, but more importantly, it will help me break the cycle of dysfunction.
Which roles do you identify with and how do you plan to heal?
If I have any advice, it is this: Make an effort to open that door. Love and nurture your inner child, learn to trust yourself, love the little things, and recognize your uniqueness!