Have you ever felt like there are pieces of yourself that you are unhappy with? Maybe it’s your tone of voice, maybe you have to control the small things, maybe you get too defensive. These emotions and behaviors evolve from the environment and the people you grew up with. You are not emotionally unavailable because you decided to become that way. You don’t act the way you do because that’s just the way you are. You act that way because of the genetic, environmental and psychological factors around you. Take a deep look on how you were brought up. How did your parents talk to you? How did they treat you? How does your family communicate? What type of memories do you hold onto from your childhood? What experiences have changed you? Look back on your childhood. Dive deep and really be honest with yourself. Write down your feelings and memories on paper. The outward appearance of a person struggling often looks like they are under the influence, depressed, anxious, moody, and burned out. These struggles you are going through right now as an adult, may be a sign of a battlefield between your brain and your heart. The heart knows the way, but the brain is at war trying to go against what it has always known. This is the time to get professional help or become aware through self-help books. The road to a healthy you is worth the growing pains of changing the brain to adjust to a healthy environment. This is my blog about how I am working through the challenges it takes to create a healthy me in order to break the cycle of dysfunctional behavior.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family that was brought on by generations of dysfunction through the addiction of alcohol. Although I choose not to drink, the dysfunction still runs through my veins poisoning me with my fair share of dysfunctional behaviors. I fight to work against them causing the pain of growth as I try to improve my actions and behaviors. I have learned both negative and positive traits, but they can equally cause instability. Positive traits are great to have, but only when they aren’t taken too seriously. I tend to create an unhealthy level causing me to get to an extreme. For example, being super responsible can damper the vibe of having too much fun. I can take life too seriously sometimes and forget to laugh. It can be hard to laugh at a joke that may hit home for others. It is hard to reverse the way you have grown up, but it is achievable.
The growing pains of improving your life can feel painful, frustrating, and uncomfortable which is why it tests my determination, but it can also feel rewarding after working through them. I am currently working in the 12 steps of Adult Children yellow workbook and seeing a counselor. In the workbook, I am asked to write down memories, experiences, and feelings. Some of the negative, unattractive behaviors that I developed during my childhood are: anger, anxiety, impatience, negativity, detachment, being too serious, harsh tone of voice, high expectations and being inflexible. Some positive behaviors are being extremely responsible, empathetic, highly aware, sober, organized, and understanding. Completing the book exercises are important steps to the process, because it creates a connection and brings awareness to the reality of my life.
Working through the negative qualities I possess can feel overwhelming, but I have found that becoming conscious of my actions can help me stop it in its tracks at that moment. Working on changing the behavior isn’t going to change overnight, but if I can recognize my internal feelings and reactions, then I can adjust my reactions by acting instead of reacting. Acting can help me stop, take a breath, think about it and then respond. Who says I have to respond right away? Think about it. You are allowed to take time and respond when you feel ready. This action can be recognized as a boundary, which is important when preserving your inner well-being.
In addition, I am learning how to act in certain situations and learning how to decrease my urges to control the little things and let go of the things I can’t control. Letting go is one of the hardest things to conquer. I try so hard to make everything perfect from folding towels in a certain way to making sure ingredients are added in order. Little things such as an outfit not matching or trying to correct the way something is done can be hard to back away from. There are many times where I find myself taking a task over, because it’s easier to get it done the right way instead of criticizing someone’s way of doing it. It would literally make me get to a point where I was irritable, especially if someone confronted me. It would leave me in a bad mood. Taking the time to recognize the internal and external signs and behaviors as well as accepting personal criticism can redirect you in a positive direction.
I am thankful that I am on this chapter of self-discovery, because not everyone gets to this point in their life. The process is vital to improve the way I deal with things even if it creates growing pains. I know I am on the right path. Recognizing the signs, internalizing your feelings and creating awareness will help you along your journey to be the best version of yourself. All those times, you thought you were being rejected from something good, but you were really being redirected to something better, and the truth you can’t change ends up changing you and helping you grow.